Why do I feel guilty?
- 6 days ago
- 3 min read
"I should have seen this coming.”
“If I’d handled things differently, things might have turned out better.”
“I should be able to fix this.”
“Maybe I’m not doing enough.”
If any of those feel familiar, you’re not alone. Many family and whānau have told us they spent a long time carrying guilt and how much it affected their wellbeing.
So why do we feel guilty?
At its core, guilt is about responsibility. It often shows up when we care deeply about someone and feel responsible for their wellbeing. In many ways, it's a sign of love, concern, and commitment.
The challenge is that guilt doesn’t always tell us the truth.
Sometimes it helps us recognise when we’ve made a mistake and need to repair something. But sometimes guilt convinces us that we are responsible for things that were never ours to control.
When someone we love is using alcohol and/or other drugs, the line between caring and carrying can become blurred.
When guilt becomes too heavy
Family members often find themselves doing everything they can to protect someone they love. Checking in. Solving problems. Making sacrifices. Putting their own needs aside. Over time, this can create a belief that it is their job to prevent harm, fix problems, or keep everything from falling apart.
Many parents and caregivers carry unspoken rules such as:
"A good parent never gives up."
"If my child is struggling, I must not be doing enough."
"If I say no, I’m being selfish."
"I should always be available."
These beliefs can be exhausting.
Even when we know logically that we cannot control another person’s choices, guilt can still make us behave as though we should be able to.
Five thinking traps that make guilt worse
1. Over-responsibility
“If they’re struggling, it must be my fault.”
Caring deeply does not make you responsible for another person’s choices.
2. Hindsight thinking
“I should have known this would happen.”
Looking backwards with today’s knowledge often makes the past seem more obvious than it really was. You responded with the information, energy, and capacity you had at the time.
3. All-or-nothing thinking
“If I set boundaries, I’m abandoning them.”
In reality, caring for someone and caring for yourself can exist at the same time.
4. Mind reading
“They probably think I don’t care.”
The truth is that we rarely know what someone else is thinking. Assumptions often create more guilt than reality.
5. ‘Should’ statements
“I should cope better.” “I should be stronger.”
These statements often create unrealistic expectations and increase self-criticism.
Signs guilt may be affecting your wellbeing
Guilt often shows up in both our minds and our bodies. You might notice yourself:
Replaying conversations repeatedly
Having difficulty sleeping
Feeling constantly on edge
Second-guessing yourself
With harsh self-talk
Over-apologising
Struggling to switch off
These are signs that you may be carrying too much, not signs that you have done something wrong.
Five ways to work with guilt more gently
1. Pause and name it
Simply noticing, “this is guilt,” can help create some space between you and the feeling.
2. Clarify responsibility
Ask yourself:
Why do I feel guilty about this?
What is within my control?
What am I taking responsibility for that isn’t mine?
Writing your answers down can be surprisingly powerful.
3. Speak to yourself with kindness
Consider what you would say to a close friend in the same situation. Would you be as harsh with them as you are with yourself?
4. Focus on repair, not punishment
If something genuinely needs addressing, focus on realistic next steps rather than trying to make up for every past mistake. Small actions often achieve more than self-punishment ever will.
5. Reach out for support
Guilt often grows in isolation. Talking with someone who understands can help bring perspective, validation, and relief.
A simple check-in
When guilt feels particularly heavy, try asking yourself:
What would I say to a close friend in this situation?
What do I already know helps me feel steady?
What can I do today to look after myself?
The answers don’t need to be complicated. A walk. A conversation. A cup of tea. A moment of rest. Small actions matter.
Remember this
Guilt is not proof that you have failed. More often, it reflects how much you care.
You cannot control another person’s choices, undo the past, or carry responsibility for everything that happens. What you can do is focus on what is respectful, realistic, and within your control.
Supporting someone you love is important. Supporting yourself is important too.
If you’d like to talk with someone who understands the impact of someone's alcohol and/or other drug use on you, we're here to help.
